Four Shades of Brown
Dalarna Province
Life should be fun.
If there is a God and He has a wish for us, it's not to be bored!
In the Book of Matthew, chapter 16, Lord Jesus says:
"What is a man profited if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?"
I'll get it.
Oh, come on...
I'd rather gain the world than die half-naked and nailed to a plank.
Tony!
Life should be fun.
Dad, there are a few things...
Tony, he's very weak...
This is between me and Dad.
Dad...
I have a few bones to pick with you.
Hey...
Dad...
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Sören H. Lindberg, and I died 43 minutes ago.
I have no regrets.
He's dead.
I've made my own decisions, and I regret none of them.
Above all, I've had fun.
"Dead" isn't the right word. I'm a Buddhist, for God's sake!
It's just my body that's dead.
I'm sure as hell not.
Community Centre Södertälje
What happened during the "Emperor of China"?
And you have to tilt the vase 45°, or it's visible from the balcony.
There was no balcony.
I know. That's not the point.
Can we try to take this seriously?
Of course, darling. Sorry.
I want to stop in Västervik tomorrow to see if my winter coat's ready.
Jan-Erik, I have a confession.
I was at Åhléns' today to buy Stefan Andhé's latest paperback.
And...?
I didn't find the book, but...
I met... an incredibly interesting man.
The idea struck me that we could be together.
Hang on a sec...
This is Perikles.
Perikles.
Jan-Erik.
What are you eating?
Morning!
Good morning, Perikles!
Where are we headed today?
The E4. Hotell Brunn.
European Highway 4. Excellent.
Monday, 4.30 P.M. Four men – I put them in the small conference room.
I like it that all the shots face the sea.
Now this is really me!
But it's not really you, is it?
Then there's your parents...
What do you mean? Of course it's me.
These are all us.
My parents aren't coming this year.
They're going to put themselves in cold storage or something.
They're not going to fill their son's hotel with coloured handkerchiefs.
What's that in the road that looks like strawberry jam?
Hush, hush, my dear. It's Papa, run over by a tram.
So you're magicians.
I'm not fond of magic.
I think life itself is magic.
For Jan-Erik.
Thanks.
And for Smulis.
Oh! You found it!
Let's be off!
15's ready!
Hi! Welcome!
Darling, how nice to see you!
Hi, Mum. Welcome.
Hi, Dad.
Hello there, Innkeeper.
Can you take this?
Of course!
How long did it take?
Five hours, with one stop.
Say hello to Perikles.
Hi, I'm Richard Brunn.
Perikles.
Sorry?
Oh, I see.
Welcome.
Thanks.
You've extended!
Renovated. We hired Keskinen.
Have you heard of him? Raimo Keskinen?
He did the FinnAir lounge at Arlanda, and he's been in Barcelona a lot.
A cadeau for the lady of the house.
Well, thank you! How kind!
That's a six-seater, Gustav. Take a smaller table.
Look at this! Who's this little...?
Oh, that's a...
Wow!
How cute! Who's it meant to be?
It's a little man.
I see, a little man. How cute!
It's a music box too!
It's meant to be someone, isn't it?
That man who lives with his kids...
It's him!
The accountant at Circus Benneweis.
Dr. Schneider. Remember, Richard?
No.
It's Hadar Cars.
Who?
Minister of Trade in the Liberal Party government.
In the late 70s.
A wonderful era!
Do you have the room key?
Let's see... Here you are.
Richard...
Why do I get so tense when my parents come?
As soon as they walk into the hotel, I just...
Do you have beach towels?
Sorry?
Are there any towels for...
By the stairs. I'll show you.
Excuse me! We don't smoke inside the hotel.
Hi there, Smulan.
You've got a good spot here.
Yes, it's wonderful.
Are you thirsty?
Yes, thank you!
He seems nice, that Perikles.
Isn't he just?
Is he someone you...
Hello!
Bjärred Skane Province
What's all this?
They've arrived! They've arrived!
Wait till you see...
Oh, the pictures. At last!
Look at this. And this one!
This is my favourite!
Aren't they great pictures?
You can see it's my T-shirt.
My T-shirt in Rio de Janeiro!
Let's get started!
No, we have to go.
Now?!
To the parent-teacher meeting.
I won't go! I want to frame these.
We're not framing anything.
We're going to the parent-teacher meeting.
Morgan!
As things look right now, I'm going to have to fail Morgan
in Swedish, English and Maths.
I see.
And then there's...
There have been a number of incidents.
In one instance, Morgan set fire to a friend's winter jacket.
Morgan isn't stupid, he's just
very negative.
He seems very unwilling.
Of course you're willing!
I think it's best if children are stimulated to want to study.
You have to try to stimulate Morgan.
Talk to him.
Show him all that's out there.
"Out there"?
What page are you on?
74.
74... I'm on 71.
Really?
This affair with Baiba Liepa in chapter four...
Wasn't Inspector Wallander dating her in The White Lioness?
I don't remember.
I don't know.
Yes, it is. It's the same woman as in The White Lioness.
It's not important to the story.
You never know with Mankell.
I'm off to bed.
Good night.
Kiss kiss.
Hmm... Baiba...
It was The White Lioness. Baiba...
The whole county is infested with the Colorado potato beetle.
But don't panic. I've plenty of fly spray in the garage.
Morgan, you need to be ready in ten minutes.
Eh?
You're coming to work with me.
I'm going out with Massoud.
No, you're not.
It's Saturday. I'm meeting Massoud.
Let's see here...
This is the sewage basin, where we take care of the pooh and stuff.
And here's our building! This is where the old man works.
This is a different division. They do their thing over there.
Here's the whole module: This is the On/Off switch...
See? Then it's code... code... and call.
Central guard.
Who is it?
This is Blom.
Hi, Leffe! It's Christer.
5212 SSK. Is it OK if I go in, even though it's Saturday?
I've brought my boy out to get stimulated.
Carrot, you know.
Er... say hello to the wife.
I'll just lock up then. Look at this: "T-T".
"Tuesday, Thursday, Ten to Twelve." T-T. Easy to remember.
I'm the first person people meet here. I'm our public face.
I stand back here. This is where your old dad works.
"Good day."
Good day.
Just kidding.
Let's play a game! You'll be a customer, and I'll be me.
Take a number and I'll show you how the whole process works.
Here, take this. OK, you've just come in with that.
And you've taken a number, good.
Sit there and wait.
And I call out the numbers like this: Number 35!
No one has number 35?
Strange...
Taking a number and then disappearing... Number 36!
That's me!
Number 36? Yes, that's correct.
Then we write you up in this folder. The number should match.
This is the gate. Come on in.
Come in, come in. Have a seat on the sofa. That's where we sit.
This is the cuddly-wuddly room.
It's where you can cuddle your pet.
You get a few minutes here to cuddle and say goodbye.
Some people are totally shaken and distraught.
And that's where we have our coffee breaks.
The contrast?
He's so dark, they look light.
Don't you think Flavio has changed a lot in just one year?
Yes, he's beautiful.
Anyway, I told him that he has to make an effort.
What beautiful teeth he's got!
Why do I do everything at home?
I just keep wondering.
You're lucky to sponsor such a handsome child.
This is where we go in. To the left.
This is the heart of the whole facility.
Put the bag down there.
That's the cremator.
A Tabo incinerator.
With a solid-cast hearth floor.
This is no pizza oven, believe me! It goes up to 900 degrees.
It has an incineration capacity of 112 kg.
This is where the ash comes out.
There you have it!
There...
I'll take that bag now. We put it on the workbench...
Then I put on these safety gloves.
Kjell Levrén likes these – red ones like Mum uses in the garden.
But I use black ones.
Now let's see what's in here.
Morgan, come here.
Come and have a look, this is exciting.
There we are...
Look! It's one of those Yorkshire terriers.
Feel this. Here you go, feel it.
Feel. See, it's not a dog anymore. It's all tumor.
It's frozen, but this is just pretend.
Now it's time for the shot.
This is Kjell's, Jan's and Dad's.
I take this and put it behind the ear.
There. Look! Morgan!
Here. Look. I put this in the neck.
Insert... empty the syringe... and pull out.
There now. It's time for you to rest.
That's a good dog...
There! It's dead. Now onto the conveyor...
Now let's go over here...
The thing is
when dogs die, someone has to take care of them. That's our job.
I put them to sleep and burn them.
Not to be mean to them,
but someone has to do it.
And it's not just dogs.
It's also
rats... and pigeons killed by the council.
Then there are smuggled puppies seized by customs.
And summer cats.
That's really common. "We forgot the cat. Never mind..."
Bollocks.
Out of the way!
Sod Jan, he's left it off-kilter.
Shit!
Shame I can't be there.
This is for the horses
They won't get this at all.
What did I write here?
Where's this from?
Ah, who cares?
Lots of tape on this one.
That nail-biter will have to work for it!
That'll be number one. A big, fat "1".
Fancy meal, there's that...
This is going great!
ORIENTAL FUNERAL
I was born 74 years ago in Gagnef.
My mother and aunts spun wool
and wanted nothing to do with men. But they wanted a kid.
For that purpose they used a German immigrant, Philip Schmidt.
He was a shopkeeper, and he got to mount my mother.
He was never seen again.
But I came to be, and I grew up in a lovely world of yarn and women.
They were handsome women.
I called them Mother Doris, Mother Matilda and Mother Josefina.
Three mothers and no father.
I have such wonderful memories.
I'm five years old, sleeping naked in Mother Doriss bed.
I hear giggles, and they all come in with full vodka glasses
straight from the sauna. They're warm and damp and happy.
They lie down next to me and start kissing me.
"Dear little Sören," they say.
"You're the best boy in the world."
And they lie down naked in a row, so I can roll back and forth
over their wonderful, soft bodies, and I shout out:
"Hooray for Sören! Hooray for Sören!"
And then I fall asleep, stretched out across my beautiful mothers.
I don't think any boy could ever be happier.
As an adult I've fallen asleep that way many times,
but it was never the same as with my mothers.
"Childhood pleasures are adulthood's sorrows," as they say.
But I have had fun.
It's fun making babies, for example.
I've had three.
I found their mother, Caroline, in a clothing catalogue.
So I phoned the company. "Hi, this is Sören H."
"I'd like the phone number to the bird on page 55 in the polka-dot dress."
I took her to Torremelinos for a bit of fun.
We had three kids before she died of cancer in '83.
She was lovely.
Three kids we had. A Tony, a Mikael and a Kenneth.
You boys have plenty to do now the old man's dead.
Or not really dead.
I'll cling to your miserable little lives like a French perfume.
Mikael and his wife have some kind of business selling lotions.
Anyway, Mikael is taking care of my funeral.
Whats her name now...? Lisa? Lisbeth? Whatever.
They're good people, anyway, even if they look like sausages.
You can put it here. Perfect.
"Sören H. Lindberg washing his vagina on Tiananmen Square"
by Ernst Billgren.
Joakim, do you have Arsey's number?
I's good. It has...
I see. It's to hang over there.
No, it's to go in the other room.
No, it's to go there.
Johanna... She was my woman the last ten years of my life.
What a tasty bird...
I've only ever had tasty birds.
There's Tony, my oldest.
He just up and disappeared ten years ago.
He had some kind of football career up in Sundsvall.
He sat on the bench in a few big games, but he never played.
For God's sake, learn to laugh!
You take life way too seriously.
Laugh and enjoy life, damn it!
Then there's Kenneth, the baby.
Speedway driver with allergies.
I never really got to know Kenneth.
He was always shy and withdrawn.
Hell, I never wanted to know him.
It was hard enough getting to know myself.
It's more fun getting to know yourself than a boring old fart like him!
Hi there.
Is Tony here?!
Hasn't said a word in two weeks.
Hi, Tony!
For God's sake!
Tony, stop mooning people!
Johanna Bergström.
You didn't come down to greet him.
Well, what do you want?
What do you want?
Let me go!
Sören H. Lindberg is Sweden's all-time best jockey.
I've won everything that can possibly be won
and bought all that can be bought,
but my dearest possessions are not this gigantic farm or all my money.
What means the most to me – the women and the horses...
Those are my dearest possessions.
Harness racing is like riding in a taxi
except that you're behind a horse running around and around.
I don't know if it's worth respect. I respect people who spread joy.
Like the baker, chimney sweep and Kikkoman – the inventor of soy sauce.
"Mikael Lindberg will co-ordinate the ceremony"...
Screw the party, I want to know who gets what?
Like who gets Pirog? When do we find that out?
Maybe Pirog, the pride of the stable.
He was a little tired when we won the '83 Gran Premio,
but I don't think he ever really gave it his all.
He didn't have to. He won anyway.
He'd won 25 million before we turned him out to stud 12 years ago.
Today he's the most prized stud in all Europe.
Whoever inherits Pirog will never want for money again.
The harness racing is what has allowed me to do what I want.
When I realised I could do whatever I pleased
I blow-dried my hair up into a little ball.
"The Cancer." A play in one act by Sören H. Lindberg.
I got a play!
Is that all?
With age comes insight into what we should have known in our youth.
If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have had eight penises.
Take it easy, now...
I feel sick, too, with you lot screaming!
Eight knobs hanging in a bunch against my thigh.
Just think!
Kenneth!
I need a toilet!
Daddy, where's Granddad?
Granddad is dead. Stone cold.
You never told me!
There you go, Christer. Watch your head.
Careful. Good. Let's turn around...
There. And down we go...
So when we got back to town, everyone upped and went. Boring lot!
OK, watch your step. Do you want me to help you?
Take care of yourself, Christer.
Welcome home! Wait, let me help you! There.
You were supposed to come at 11.40! It's only 11.30!
Let me help you...
Christer! What the hell...?
Here we are...
Morgan picked this out. Let me help you.
I'll take that...
Let's see if it fits...
Yes, it's perfect!
Let's just put this over here. There we go.
WORLD'S BEST DAD
Oh, that's way too hot! We'll have something else first.
Could you leave the room?
I want to talk to Dad.
I've never cared much for appearance.
"For better or for worse," we said.
Things were good for a long time.
Now it's time for worse.
That's all there is to it.
We have a lovely garden, you and I.
Sorry, Christer. I just can't do this.
You boys will have to sort this urination thing yourselves.
Morgan!
What shall we start with? I know, this!
Can you guess what this is?
No, I didn't think so. Look, you can use it to reach your back!
You can scratch, or scrub, or whatever!
I think I'll turn in.
There...
I don't see it as a sacrifice being married to you.
Kiss kiss!